St. Petersburg

2010/09/10, I was in St. Petersburg, Russia.

My Russian trip began with a series of frustration of language barrier.

After a long air trip, including the long passage of waiting in New York airport and flustered transferring in Moscow airport (The domestic terminal is ridiculously far from international terminal and the shuttle bus schedule is completely a joke.), I arrived YH with an exhausted body. Any word I saw was Russian, which caused huge hardness in everything. However, fortunately, the staffs of YH were extremely friendly.

During the days I stayed, the sky was cloudy, sometimes it rained. I didn’t visit all famous places. I just wandered in the old city, on the streets surrounded by ancient buildings. I walked across some arch bridges above canals, stood still in the square center, then sat and nodded on stair aside the square. I visited some gorgeous Orthodox churches, took some pictures as a ordinary tourist, and last, I took subway back to hostel, with dampened jacket, maybe also with a sandwich, bought from the kiosk outside the metro station. I used funny gestures for this mission, but still didn’t make the vendors laugh.

I had no idea I was walking inside a world heritage, until I was back to Taiwan, surfed the website.

09/13/2010

The sky was still gloomy, and I still had no certain plan. I was looking for post office to deliver postcards to my friends. But I was lost in the city immediately.

I saw two people with arm-bands in front of Moscow train station (It’s a terminal station named after the destination). One was a blond hair young male and the other was a brown hair female. Both wore a jacket with words “Do You Need Help?” I guessed they were volunteers of some organization.

I walked to the girl to inquire where the post office was. The young boy seemed to be helping other somewhere. I cannot speak Russian, so English was the only language I could use now. The girl was not very tall and felt little shy when I asked her. She replied me: “sorry for my poor English” with a blush.

I wanted to say “please don’t say sorry, it’s just a language and my English is poor, too”. But I didn’t.

She made some phone calls, and leafed through her books simultaneously. I wasn’t sure she did this for me until she showed me the location on the book, and guided me the way, with few words but lots of body language and friendly smiles. I cast a glance at her open bag at her foot. It looked some reference books for helping visitors.

Then we had a short talk. I appreciated her kindly help. However I still wasn’t sure was it a charge service. So I inquired her about this. I thought even if it really was, it’s quite fair to pay. The girl replied me an unbelievable number, with her bashful smile.

I was confused. I asked her again to confirm: “You mean you help me and then I have to pay you such a lot of cash?” “Are you sure?” The girl was nodding but her face was little puzzled as well. And then I said “It’s ridiculous!” “It’s just a small favor and is never supposed cost so much”. I was very angry, and left nothing for her. I didn’t look at her afterward but I knew she seemed upset.

The way she guided me was wrong. I found the post office on my own. A kindly female clerk led me through some rooms in the 3rd story maze-like ancient building to a small room, look like a store to deliver mails. The “post office” I found was only to receive mails.

After I sent my cards to friends in Taiwan, China, and Japan, my anger had ebbed gradually and then I started to wonder…..I didn’t think they really intended to earn money from me….

I walked back to the vicinity of station. After a short hesitation, I decided to ask her again. I didn’t want to leave this city with such a bad feeling.

The other young male was standing there now. He greeted me with a friendly smile. His English was good, and I explained the puzzles in my mind. The girl replied me in big astonishment. “No! How possible!” The young man added “That’s our salary per day!” We all laughed. I said “I am so sorry!” “I apologize for my misunderstanding!” She grinned and said sorry again because she didn’t catch on my words.

No, I was so rude. I felt shame on myself. I misunderstood the people who helped me, I almost shouted to them. How foolish I was? I looked like an arrogant foreigner yelling in English she didn’t understand to blame her and this country for the greed because of my wrong awareness due to my language frustration. Maybe I am the person with ridiculous bias without any consciousness. I had many lessons to learn.

However, on the other hand, I was happy I walked back to figure out the truth. I gave myself a chance to save the bad impression, to save my poor mind.

My Kazakh friend Hali

2010/10/01

I had no plan about tour in Almaty at all. The only reason I’m here is to apply my Uzbeki and Kyrgyz visas. I reserved 5 workings days for it. Out of my expectation, I got both on a day, through an annoying, inefficient, chaotic, and suspicious corrupt procedure.

The remaining days were full of upset. I lived in a typical old-fashion Russian hotel full of moisture and oldness. Only few lodgers lived here, at nightfall, the silent hallway under the dim lamp is somewhat creepy. As well as Russian style, the rooms are like cells, and here is a gloomy jail. I can’t speak Russian, stayed in a place nobody talk with is depressed.

I got in an outdoor restaurant in a Commercial strip and pointed to the picture above to indicate what I wanted. Suddenly, the chef, or maybe also the boss asked me:

“ni-shi-zhong-guo-ren-ma你是中國人嗎? (Are you Chinese?)”

I was surprised and did not react immediately until he asked me again. I answered him: I am a Taiwanese.

He is Hali, a Kazakh from Xinjiang, China seven years ago. He lived with his wife and brothers, sisters-in-law who all are Kazakhs from Kyrgyzstan.

Then I go to his restaurant everyday. He is also a stranger here, even he has learned Russian, and married here. His wife took their children to visit his hometown, a small village near Kazakhstan-China border lately, I can perceive his loneliness. He isn’t the boss, but just an employee, the burden is heavier especially after the other partner quitted.

The day before I left Almay, I visited him again. It’s Friday and he had many customers. He was busy until evening. After he finished all, it’s time to close. I didn’t come yesterday. He told me he stood outside to look for me for a while. I was dealing with my visas so didn’t come. “How about visiting my house?” he invites me every time but I always declined him. “OK” I replied this time, because tomorrow I would leave for Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan.

We took the tram to pass about 4 or 5 stops and got off. It’s not suburb yet, but far enough away downtown. We walked across a bridge and along the bank. Many one-story houses gathered in this region. As soon as I got in, Hali’s brother and sister greeted me with genuine friendly smiles. They are sincere people. We sat at the round table. They gave me the space facing the gate, which usually means the main site for guest, and handed me a num (a kind of bread) and a bowl of warm noodles.

Although they are no longer nomads, the nomadic friendliness still remained, kind of purely and simply care to another traveler, who no matter lost in grasslands or alone in an unfamiliar city.

We watched the TV together, and talked via Hali, he translated our Chinese and Kazakh. We didn’t catch too much but still got some laughs. They are really nice people. We all are aliens here. They came here for work, I traveled here for…traveling. I was traveling lonely.

I finished my supper. Hali asked me if stay tonight? I answered sorry, I have to go back to pack my luggage. I really appreciate his host.

We left the house, it’s very dark. Walked along the bank of river and reached the road. Hali called a taxi for me. He inquired the price in Russian for me. Then we shook hands and said goodbye. I seated myself inside the car and close the door. The car drove me left. The driver is quiet, so as this foreign Almaty. The light of limp cast inside, light and shadow streak was rolling on my face. My brain was vacant. I stayed here over 8 days, but Almaty was still a distant city to me or perhaps I was distant as usually. I think I won’t come to this city again, and won’t see Hali either.

We didn’t have much deep talk actually. Sometimes we just stay still. I think I will miss the time we sat inside the outdoor restaurant under sunshine shedding through canopy, and looked at the continuous flow of pedestrians in the strip outside.

Railway to Almaty

en route, Siberia Railway

2010/09/20

In Moscow YH, I met a Dutch couple, Wouter and Chloe, who had the same destination as mine. We were going to Almaty-Kazakhstan by train. It’s a long way. We would spend 3 full days in the train.

The train would depart at night. I had my last day in Moscow relaxing, after an emergency that I found I bought the wrong date ticket and rushed to station for changing. I was very nervous because my Russian visa would expire if I couldn’t catch my train.

We left YH at evening and took subway to the station with our packs which made us very conspicuous. We waited our train with beer. Since arriving Russia, I had drunk a lot of alcohol, especially the strong Vodka. The time was up. We separated, got in our cars.

The second night, the train stopped at a station for a long time. It’s midnight. I guessed here was the border. We stopped for some official procedures. I was lying on my low berth. An officer in uniform came in and checked our IDs. I handed him my passport. Obviously it’s not common here. He checked it for more seconds and then asked some questions. Finally he asked me took off my glass to see my purple color. Then he gave me a friendly smile. “Welcome to Kazakhstan” He said.

After a while, the attendant handed back my passport with a stamp on the visa. The train started again. It whistled in the night. The steel wheels clattered the rail. I watched outside the window. Obscure scene started to move backward slowly.

This was my first time to cross the border, overland.

******

In fact, the passage in train was not so interesting. However, I didn’t expect too much in advance. My Chinese train-traveling experience had made me realized that it depends on luck to meet something interesting just like anywhere else during journey. Train traveling isn’t interesting itself.

The third morning, I was lazy in my mattress. The rising sun shone light in our compartment. I looked outside the window. The shining half-orb was just above the horizon of the field. We were running on an unknown boundless wild.

I went to Wouter’s car which was next 3 cars to mine. We talked for a while. Chloe said this was her first train traveling. Wouter told me it’s no boring. He enjoyed watching the landscape changing gradually.

I had a nap and awoke up at dusk. The light was gentle. I watched outside again, and the sun was falling. It’s sunset. My brain was empty. I was thinking of nothing and bathed in the warm sunshine silently. We were still running on this field, the field in Asia, the field that Mongolian horse had ever galloped across to conquer Russian, and then to sweep Europe.

The night fell. The wild was swallowed up by dark. Our train was the only dim moving light in this darkness, like luminous mystical creature, migrating in the silent night.

*****

The train stopped at a small station. I stepped down to the platform for a rest. I walked backward for Wouter and Chloe. I saw a crowd of venders surrounding them with hubbub. They flocked to them not only for trade but also for fun and curiosity. A Slavic-like man was translating for them and it’s the cause of this hubbub. They both got a window to communicate. He was their new friend in their carriage, a Slavic with Kazakhstan nationality. (Only little bit more than 50% of the population of Kazakhstan is Kazakh people.) He invited us to have beers that night.

Near midnight, I walked through the aisle, cross the gaps between carriages to their compartment. The train stopped in a small station, they went to buy some beers and snacks. “We almost lost the train! It starts earlier!” They gasped out with excitement.

We closed the door. The obscure compartment was illuminated by the dim light over our heads. 2 Kazakhs joined us, too. We cheers and drank, and started to talk about traveling inevitably, because of their curiosity about us. I was little drunk and started to address the story I read, which was about the Roman history took down by the ancient Roman historian Polybius.

When the great Roman general Scipio ordered to inflame all Carthaginian vessels and ships harbored in the port, and moreover the city would be destroyed completely by him, he gazed the burning harbor and city, the enormous fire was devastating the Carthage, and the night sky seemed also burned….He shed tears for his enemy, not only because of the empire’s catastrophe, but also because he suddenly realized that his country, Roma, would extinct one day, as the burning, dying and disappearing Carthage Empire, which had ever been such a great country, owned so powerful navy, occupied so large territory. If so great Empire like Carthage would die someday, how Roma could escape from this inevitable fate? I believe his sadness came from the awareness of some kind of essence of life in this universe. That is death. Everything will die, no matter how strong it had ever been.

How deeply moved I was by Polybius’ description? And yes, because of the feeling caused by the great people with so profound thought and sensitive mind who existed there, I want to visit the land they ever stood on. Of course, I knew this was too romantic and deviated from reality. I have to adjust my expectation later. But, we always need something romantic to ignite our passions, doesn’t it?

“Sorry, I’m little drunk. I occupy too much time of you” I said.

“No, it’s a…..you told a very nice story…Thank you…” they responded. They said they were impressed.

It’s very late. We said goodnight and dismissed. I walked through the cars in darkness, passed the gap with smell of rusty rig and fuel, to back my car, my compartment. Every traveler fell asleep. It’s very quiet, except the rhythmic clatter of wheel rolling on rail. My roommates had fallen asleep. We didn’t talk, because of language. I lay down on my bed, with less sleepiness. This was the last night in the train. Tomorrow morning, the train would arrive to its terminal, our destination, Almaty, Kazakhstan.

孤旅

打開相片，那是攝自喀什火車站的月台，我才剛下車。我搭乘的是每天一班從烏魯木齊發車過來的臥鋪車。

旅行已經進行了一半，在吉爾吉斯歷經了簽證過期風波，以及一些不可預期的小混亂，到了現在，計畫已經不再重要，而是隨心所致的走一步是一步。

天空如此澄淨湛藍，鮮明的記憶一下子又浮現上來。

在那之後的旅程，始終帶著點惆悵與抑鬱，或許是因為心已經離開台灣已久，對於日日逼近的歸期，有股說不出的感受。我想，這趟旅程使我更確信，我的心不在那習常的生活──那個我總趕到疏離的生活，而在另一個彼岸，一個使我內心感覺坦然的大陸。

我並非否定朝九晚五，努力為成家立業，照顧家庭而奮鬥的人生。我所不能認同的是一個人昧著自己的本心服膺「他人所說」的教條。價值的標準是要靠自己去摸索建立的，這個過程也許較為艱辛，也會遭遇許多痛苦，但是一條自己走出來的崎嶇道路，才是一場問心無愧的人生。

說起旅行，我總擔心自己不小心被虛榮支配，站在高處對他人教誨，人生該當如何，這是我自己所厭惡的人。我僅依照過往曾經做過的事情，盡力做到適如其份的分享。

旅行有很多很有趣的事情，說者激昂，聽者盎然，但我知道，真正會讓我終其一生都不斷回味的，還是那些微妙的思緒，無以名狀的情緒狀態，正洽洽是最難言語文字傳達，非得親身體驗不可的東西。而這些卻又不算快樂，而是帶著一些無聊，甚至苦悶的東西。這反倒讓聽者迷失，好像我在描述一場不快樂的旅行，且試圖鼓動他人。但這卻是有價值的寶物，而這個寶物，會讓你有不枉此生的充實感。這樣的充實，我認為是凌駕單純感官的快樂之上的。

*****在一個陌生的無法想像的地方，在下榻的旅社，和來自各國的朋友，每天晚上開啤酒聊天，彼此用共通的有限詞彙溝通，沉浸在萍水相逢的偶遇知音的氣氛；

揹著背包走在大太陽底下，和不同文化血緣的人群擠在老舊快拋錨的巴士；

還是夜晚穿越無盡沙漠，聽著像是默禱變化而來，絲路特有的中亞樂手的歌聲從汽車音響傳出；

黎明前醒來，坐在載著熟睡旅客的火車，行走在大漠裡，皎潔的月光照射在鐵軌旁的殘雪，在節奏的車軌聲中，意識到自己孤獨的存在……

太多的記憶浮現腦海，眼前的場景變的朦朧。回到台灣才不過半年，卻覺得虛度了不少光陰。因為旅行根本才剛開始而已，還有很多地方，很多人，很多的世界等待著自己。

最近蒐了三毛的書：《背影》，《撒哈拉的故事》，《萬水千山走過》，《哭泣的駱駝》，也把澤木耕太郎的《深夜特急》，以及松浦彌太郎《旅行的所在》都看了。又不時回想起許多看過的感動過的片斷，於是把架上舊書也翻了出來，《文化苦旅》，《地圖上的藍眼睛》，《犬的記憶》，《直到路的盡頭》，《Travel With Herodotus》，《羅馬人的故事》，每本都翻到某頁某個章節，折了頁角，摘取了幾個字key了key，然後雜亂的堆在書桌上。然後又跑回去看了看自己寫的日誌……

我把途中copy過來的音樂都買了正版cd收藏，最喜歡的還是那幾張：

SigurRos的《Takk》在我離開喀什的火車上，激勵著我繼續旅行。

《Ágætisbyrjun》的空靈讓我想起前往敦煌的沙漠公路的黎明前的破曉，古城在地平線的那端和整個大地一起甦醒；

《()》的每一首曲子有我和Simon以及Yvon在地下室邊喝啤酒邊一起聆聽的記憶。

Explosions in the Sky的《Earth Is Not a Cold Dead Place》，其中的「The First breath after coma」在行前已經多次鼓舞了我，總使我瞬間陷入平靜的激昂，不去不行的意志快速滋長；

在從塔什庫爾干搭車回喀什的公路上，眼前是壯闊的喀拉崑崙山，方才才和朋友邊界道別，處在此生永不相見的命運必然的激烈悲傷中，音樂適時的出現使情感波瀾萬千，卻又異常的將心境平靜下，”This is your you’re your journey, and you have to go on, it is your life”心中不知怎麼浮現這樣的話語，被以深沉激烈的情感和音樂帶出。

前半段的寂寥音色則是一場公路電影，我在鹽湖城的最後一天，獨自開車在215號荒涼公路上，開往鹽湖岸邊發呆，直到黃昏，夕陽染紅了地平線，這一天午夜，我就要飛往俄羅斯，開始我的旅行……

《All of a Sudden I Miss Everyone》和《Those Who Tell the Truth Shall Die, Those Who Tell the Truth Shall Live Forever》是兩張原本印象不深刻的專輯，想不到和Sigur Ros的《Takk》搭配起來，變成孤寂的絲路上的記憶連結。《Takk》點火般的鼓舞人心，這兩張則是冷調孤寂中帶著溫暖，提醒自己雖是孤旅卻也是累積。

《阿飛西亞》同名專輯，甜梅號的《謝謝你提醒我》，也許還在更早一年之前，就把那「非如此不可」的種子埋藏到我的心底。

甚至Rachmaniff的no2 piano concerto第二樂章也因為和年少時畢業旅行到墾丁的熱帶南洋暴雨的奇特記憶，而更久遠的預示了我的終將遠行……

但在莫斯科，我沒能順利前往Tchaikovsky的故居，我還特地把他的no1 pian oconcerto的mp3帶了上路，那是國中時的第一張古典樂cd，錄音老舊，但是Richter和Mravinsky的組合雷霆萬鈞，再怎麼多錄音雜音也掩蓋不了磅礡氣勢。

陳綺貞的＜太多＞是一場偶然。我住在阿拉木圖的舊蘇聯旅社，窗面向著中庭，午後溫柔的微風吹進，窗簾輕柔的擺動著，吹動放在桌上的《Pianist》的書頁，這是Wolter在火車上送給我的書。我和Wolter沒在阿拉木圖見到面，這個禮拜我孤獨的近乎恐慌……

*****
我並不是想再回去這些地方，過去的事情是永遠過去的了，我不想老是抱著逝去的感傷。懷念並不等於耽溺，而是在記憶中粹取出之所以感動的元素，試圖在這些吉光片羽的光影背後找尋出共同的印模，我們之所以喜歡離家上路，到底是為了什麼？掌握了這些東西也就是掌握了自我的性格，我們在外界中尋找自己，為的是在浮華無常的俗世中尋覓一種確定，所謂自己到底「是」什麼，我們渴求這個定義，我們便是存在主義者。

*****
走在喀什老城中，從狹窄的巷道往天空望去，土黃色的磚瓦砌成的矮牆拱著澄淨的藍天；

在吉爾吉斯阿拉山河谷的夜晚，壯闊的群山包圍著蒼穹，一大把碎鑽鑲箝在天空，霎見一顆流星劃過，我與群山見證了它美麗的消逝；

台灣海峽上的黎明，海平面上螢火蟲般的渡輪，在交會之後熄了船燈，成了一小團靜靜漂浮移動的黑影，在他的背後是紫中漸藍的晨霞，沒多久藍而橙，橙而紅，朝陽自海中升起，氣象萬千。

都是同一片相連的天空，但從不同的陸地仰望，始成獨一無二。

成為獨一無二的不只是呈現眼前的景象，更是觀看著的自己。這份難以形容的揉合著自傲、瀟灑、孤獨、感傷的自覺，是一種莊嚴的淨化，在這繽紛萬千如此多樣的世界，自己浮萍般的人生既是虛幻如夢，但充塞心中名之為「感動」的感覺卻又深刻而充實。

於是，追尋「是」什麼的行為，變成了意義本身。我們明白，旅行的意義就在其自身，旅行既是純粹的無求他物，也可以是各種意義皆可追尋，完全操之在我，定義在我。只要出發，只要跨越邊界，只要坐起而行，「意義」便在那一刻開始滋長。而這一行動，則被人們稱為「自由」的體現。

擁抱

北京女孩

2010/11/27，在西安。

一早，照例拿著麵包，泡了熱茶，到中庭坐下來靜靜的吃著。

昨天早上就看見一位女孩子一個人也靜靜的坐著，

今天她也在，我就跑去和她聊起天來。

她是北京人，也是突然的就說來西安就來了。

是第一次一個人跑遠門，正在體驗著此番自由的滋味。

聊了蠻久，然後就各忙各的了。

我把衣服洗好晾好，

天氣很好，陽光和煦，我跑去旁邊沒人經過的庭院活動活動筋骨，

練練功，複習一下小八極。

中午是退房時間，我把包包整理好寄放前台，就跑出去晃晃了。

我跑去大明宮遺址走走。

這是唐朝皇宮的遺址，

除了幾個台柱基座。地面上的遺址幾乎等於零。

目前這裡新闢成一大片公園，成為市民遊憩地點，上頭點綴了幾個說明牌。

我在廣場上賣紀念品的小書店買了明信片，

然後再搭公交車到鼓樓的回民街，去了隱身其中的清真大寺。

正好是禮拜時間，便在那邊靜靜的看著穆斯林們入殿禮拜。

此時遇見的穆斯林，已經是帶著小白帽的回族了，

面孔血緣和維吾爾族又是不同。

到目前為止，我想我已經能辨別出哈薩克族，吉爾吉斯族，

塔吉克族則有八成把握；

烏茲別克族和維吾爾族的族源複雜，所以較難辨識。

在喀什甚至有看見金髮碧眼維族人。

從中亞一路過來，如今看到的已是完全中國化了的清真寺，因為有了比較，所以饒富趣味。

之前在比什凱客遇見的日本東大高材生copy給了我些他在伊朗拍的照片，

雖然也是中亞風格，但又和烏茲別克看到的略有不同。

我的火車是晚上七點。

我回到青旅，拿了我的背包，

往火車站前進。這時已經天黑了。

我走了一小段路，後方一個人過來喊了我，

原來是早上那位北京女孩。

她早上聽我說是七點的火車，

想來背著大背包的身影可能就是我，

應該不是等我道別吧？

不知如何覺得有點小感動。

可能是因為自己又是獨自一人離開。

道別後，我往車站前進。

走了五六十米，

突然想起了什麼似的，

就又走了回去，

看她還沒進去青旅，

便再跟她說了句道別，並且給她一個擁抱。

我想我是想給她一個感動。

Hannah
2010/11/09
在塔什庫爾干，我和漢娜(Hannah)遇到了美國人Steve，

兩天前在喀什青旅其實已經遇到了，

他晚了我們一天上來塔縣，

他要前往巴基斯坦。

他所知道的資訊是，

可以在塔縣搭乘每天一班的公車前去，

至於簽證問題，他和漢娜一樣，沒有確切的資訊，

似乎可以在邊界處就地辦理。

其實，關於前往巴基斯坦的資訊一直都不明朗，

Lonely Planet上的資訊，以及我們在喀什的打聽，

都不得要領。

我去詢問過公車，票價很貴。

包車前往邊境要便宜的多。

因此我們決定同行。

我要一走喀拉崑崙公路，到邊界後返回──如同許多的中國旅行者一樣。

他和漢娜則是繼續他們的計畫，前往巴基斯坦。

其實資訊還是不盡正確…

第二天一早，急著要前往巴基斯坦的Steve催促大家，

而較早起來的我，再和旅舍老闆娘確認車子事宜，

這時才得知，所謂包車前往邊界，

指的是說，海關檢查站會特許放行，

讓遊客以及車得以繼續前往邊界所在，

否則依照一般流程，除了國際巴士，

所有車輛是不允許通過檢查站繼續前進的。

簡單的說就是官員會讓我們”非正式出國”到邊界，

拍拍照像留念而回，時間不能太久。

而這是針對本國以及台港澳人而言，

對於外國人而言則是不允許的，

包車是會被檔下來的。

而這個時候，已經超過早上十一點國際班車的時間了……

意味著我們必須多停留一天。

Steve非常不爽地指責我，

若不是我，他自己就可以前進巴基斯坦，

我的資訊反而造成了紊亂。

我很不爽，跟他言語齟齵了起來。

氣氛變的很差。

旅舍老闆娘建議我們打車到海關去問明白，如果他們仍然不相信的話。

海關很近，就在塔縣而已。5分鐘就到了。

於是我們三人打車過去。

在計程車上，Steve突然說

“Henry, I want to say sorry to you.”

“You just want to help, and you indeed help me a lot.”

*******

Steve是個藝術家，他帶著一幅巨畫在旅行著，

他把畫捲起來扛著，長度比一個人還高。

竟然有人會帶著這個東西旅行。

前一晚，我們還有另一個以色列室友Gil，

入住塔什庫爾干的便宜旅舍，狹小且空氣流通不佳，

暖氣老舊，入了夜後仍然很冷。

我們躺著聊著天，到後來都聽著Steve訴說他正在進行的作品。

他的語調有點慵懶溫吞，有點酷。

最後要入睡了，Gil和我以及漢娜，

三人合力作勢要將立在中央的蠟燭吹熄。

三人鼓著頰要吹熄距離我們約兩步之遙的燭火，

那是Steve稍早點的，說這樣可以更溫暖。

對於我們三人裝可愛的舉動，Steve很酷的說：
“Ok….i will extinguish it…”

“I said, I will go out it…”

******

到了海關站，辦事員見我們到來，很迅速的把出境表格給我們填，

並催促我們趕快。

我看見那裡有個車票售票處，

我們完全弄不清楚狀況。

會說中文的我，一番詢問後總算弄清楚了，

原來，那輛十一點發車的公車還在海關這裡辦些手續！

現在都十二點半了！

其實很多人都是直接來這邊買票搭車的。

至於簽證，

就在這裡辦！！！！

如今，我們終於得到最新最正確的資訊。

意即他們當下就可以順利前往巴基斯坦了。

他們買好票後，就前往安檢台，準備通關了。

我原本幫漢娜提著一個包，

這時便交還給她。

整個情況其實很匆忙，

因為本以為又得多待一天了，

想不到馬上就是離別時刻。

我停在要前往安檢櫃檯的走道口，把包包還給漢娜，

我看著正低頭打理的她說:

“Hannah, it’s time to say goodbye”

她沒有意識到。

因為她以為這班公車可以在邊界把我放下，

我再跟其他包車返回即可。

“maybe you can ask the bus to drop you in the border”她說

“no, the bus will not stop after crossing the checking point”我回答。

“......”

我伸出我的右手準備握手道別

“take care” 我說

漢娜卻對著我微笑敞開雙臂。

霎時我便腦筋一片空白，

抱住了她。

"...take care..."我的聲音有點顫抖

"nice to meet you..."她說

我永遠不會忘記這個瞬間。

Steve

 因為Steve要提領現金。

我們再回去找了ATM，

他領完現金，漢娜則還在裡頭排隊，

他和我站在外頭聊了一會。

我說

“you are right, we should….”

他回答

“it doesn’t matter anymore, wrong or right, good or bad, you cannot expect”

Steve接著問我:

“so where you gonna go next? Keep looking for somebody to share the taxi to the border?”

“no, I think I’ll go back Kashgar today”

“I don’t have to go to the border really, I am not so interested in it”

我回答他......

我想Steve看出了什麼，也許方才在海關他就看出了什麼。

他說

“So you just want to set Hannah off to Pakistan right?”

“......”

我點了點頭。

一切只不過是為了這個離別。

我希望幫所有我能幫的，

送她到巴基斯坦，

然後她繼續她的旅程，

我繼續我的旅程。

然後99.99%的可能此生不會再見面，

就像旅程中遇到的所有萍水相逢的朋友一樣。

我目送他們的計程車離開，

漢娜說先把我載到市區吧。

我說很近，我用走的就好了。

於是我目送他們車子離開。

Hannah在車內和我揮手再一次道別。

我想這次真的是告別了。

我停在路口，這時是紅燈，

他們的車理應繼續前行，轉彎離開。

但計程車突然停下，Steve跑出來，穿越馬路而來。

我一臉疑惑的注視著他，他卻衝上來給了我一個擁抱，

說了些什麼我已經記不得，然後道別。

我本已經不平靜的情緒，

再被Steve的擁抱而更加感動。

我走了走，坐在路邊嘗試平復情感，

但還是因為離別的悲傷，啜泣了起來。

在塔什庫爾干，也就一條大街橫貫，

你的視線之內，都是白靄靄覆蓋山頭的雪山，

這是帕米爾高原的一部分，四周盡是這般壯闊景象。

清晨，我懷著剛出爐的囊氣喘吁吁的小跑步回旅舍，

傍晚，我們走到小丘上早被廢棄千年的古城遺跡，凝視著河谷，

深夜時漢娜病了，我四處詢問藥局幫她找藥，

最後的兩個擁抱，

和此時坐著啜泣的我，

這些都是我在這個壯闊景色底下的淳樸小鎮發生的故事，

這些都變成了我一生中，永難忘懷的記憶。

Nicola
2010/10/26

烏茲別克的秋天已經到來，

到撒馬爾罕時已經感覺到背包客正在減少，

到布哈拉時更是如此。

本以為這一晚只有我一人了，

下午自己坐在陽台上啃著蘋果曬太陽時，

尼古拉(Nichola)以及他女友兩人，

牽著單車，風塵僕僕，全身狼狽的進來。

他們是瑞士人，

前兩天才從亞塞拜然穿越里海，

辛苦的穿越Kyzylkum沙漠而來。

單車客們總是有點狼狽，

但我想他們是我看過最狼狽的了，

裝備服裝都蠻破爛的。

我們聊的很開心，

那天晚上很冷，

遊客稀少，許多餐廳都歇業了。

我們跑到一家少數有開的餐廳，

點了簡單的菜飯吃喝一頓。

他們是那種很隨和的人，

對比於我的多話，

他們擁有我所欠缺的耐心與雅量。

隔天我就離開，往西前往花剌子謨了。

到了偏遠的希瓦，我在這裡孤獨的遊覽了兩天。

在B & B沒有遇到其他旅行者。

再往西邊去到的努庫斯更是一次不愉快的經驗，

使我之後抱著火氣一路往東趕路，

想盡速入境吉爾吉斯。

再回到撒馬爾罕已是深夜，一樣還是Bahodir民宿，

漆黑中我看見中庭有兩輛眼熟的腳踏車。

我這才驚覺塔什干飛往烏魯木齊的班機早就停開了，

我的簽證狀況緊張了起來。

我得取道吉爾吉斯往新疆，

第二天我忙了一整天在機票上，

回到旅舍，我站在二樓我的房門外，

正看見樓梯下的尼古拉牽著腳踏車出來，

我喊了他的名字

“Nicola!”

也許是因為前幾天的旅程很不愉快，

再看到他們我格外高興。

不過他們也正要離開，

他們要前往塔什干處理簽證。

我們在門口聊了一會兒，

同時還有另一個單車客，

（結果後來我在喀什又遇見他）

他們要離開了，我伸出手和他握手，

尼古拉微笑並施了點力把我拉過來擁抱，

我感到驚訝，

我來自一個，不習慣以擁抱來表達情感的文化。

我更是一個總與他人疏離的人。

此刻我因尼古拉的擁抱感到溫馨。

這應該是二度相逢的驚喜之善意的表現。

或者是他同樣也和我看到他們一樣的驚喜呢？

我這個情感豐富，聊起天來話題多又情緒豐富的人。

在布哈拉那晚我們聊的生動無比，

回到旅舍時，老闆又把當晚僅有的房客的我們留在一樓，

給我們吃的喝的以及伏特加。

在那種略顯冷清的時節的中亞古城，

或許萍水相逢的感受也就特別深刻吧。

我和尼古拉女友也擁抱道別之後。

再忙了好一陣子，終於把機票搞定，

可以順利回吉爾吉斯了。

當天傍晚我就搭上前往塔什甘的車，直奔機場過夜。

在寒冷的夜裡，等待隔日凌晨的飛機。

這是我在烏茲別克最後一天，

離開的非常匆忙，

但是這一天我接收到令我感動的擁抱。

回想起來點點滴滴，

一時文字難以盡述。

然而，我所強烈感受的是，

既然彼此都不會再相逢，

那麼有些情感的表達，不要吝嗇，也不要顧慮太多，

因為這些都是最純真誠摯的感受。

所以，我突然的想要給予北京女生一個擁抱，

應該是基於一樣的道理吧。

-----
這是從我的《橫跨歐亞的三個月旅行》中抽出來的日記。
關於那段旅行，回憶最深的仍然是人。